Mop-Up Nitro 9.18.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up Nitro
There's a good chance a LOT of people will miss RAW on TNN for a while.
Ryder and Scherer contend that these people will flip to USA... see that RAW is not on... decide that the WWF has been canceled... decide that the WWF has died... then flip to TNT for the WCW alternative. This, of course, is assuming that all wrestling fans need SOME SORT OF WRESTLING ON MONDAY NIGHTS!!! OH GOD!!! NO WRESTLING ON MONDAY NIGHTS WILL SURELY BE A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!!!!
Ryder and Scherer are right. WCW WILL capitolize and get new viewers... until such a time as these viewers stumble upon RAW on TNN, or at least hear that the show has moved to another network.
But, what Bob and Dave do NOT seem to get is one plain and simple fact. There are a LOT of fans... TONS of fans, that simply HATE WCW and REFUSE to watch it. No matter WHAT!
I even have proof. Often times, my Nitro recap is a lot funnier than the Raw recap... still, there are a LOT of readers who do not read my Nitro recap. Why do you think I now plug my column's closer at the top of the RAW recap? I have to try to get them to click over. I'm sure CRZ, Petrie (assuming he's still around), and any other Nitro recapper who also recaps RAW will say the same thing. Even back at SCOOPS, I often had a HUGE difference between the RAW readership and the Nitro one... sometimes up to 10'000 readers a month.
That's where they are in trouble. Because a LOT of fans are going to notice that RAW isn't on... and flip to Monday Night Football.
Guys, people HATE WCW... and quite frankly, after years and years of crap, they have every right to. The people who won't even sample the product aren't doing it because of RAW. They are doing it because they think Nitro sucks.
And that, my friends... is another reason why the war is over
NITRO (or: God Bless Socialized Medicine HOOOOOOOOOO)
-Oh Jesus... I just saw that Al Gore showed up on Leno... barely a week after he did Letterman... because GOD KNOWS LENO IS SUCH A C-SUCKER THAT HE HAS TO BOOK EVERYBODY THAT EVER DOES LETTERMAN!!! OH LORD... THE UNIVERSE WOULD IMPLODE IF ONE OF DAVE'S GUESTS DOESN'T GET ON LENO!!!
-That's why I like Drew Barrymore, Julia Roberts, and Bruce Willis... even though Bruce and Julia WILL do Leno if they have to.. they MUCH prefer Dave. Bill Murray too.
-I just KNOW Leno is trying to get Larry Bud Melman to do his show... and that Ruper Jee guy.
-A-HOLE!!!!
-See, today's young stars grew up on Letterman's old NBC show... so, much like Carson, getting on Dave is an HONOR. MR. MTV Carson Daly was on a couple of weeks ago, and pretty much admitted that this was a dream of his. Leno will NEVER have that... EVER.
-Opening theme.
-Where is Nitro this week? Canada? Okay, so they are in Canada... one of those stupid little Provinces.
-I'm sure backstage stuff and horrifically produced bits happened. Quite frankly, I was putting my Bird to bed. That means I put him in his cage and covered it with sheets... I didn't put him under the covers or anything... morons
-I did see the Natural Born Thrillers and the Filthy Animals finish that match they started at the PPV when Paul Orndorff hurt himself... years of the Juice sure does make them bones brittle.
-You know... in his PRIME, Orndorff was never that big a star. He's one guy NOBODY is DEMANDING to come out of retirement for one more match.
-Plus, the sonafabitch now looks like Rodney Dangerfield so much it's SCARY!
-In this "Survivor Series" RIP-OFF, we have Rey and Tygress against Jindrak, O'Hare, Palumbo, and "Above Average" Mike Sanders...
-Rey and Tygress snag a big upset after Jindrak gave O'Hare a Senton Bomb by accident... so they were knocked out.
-Shawn Stasiak suddenly got involved for no lawful reason, and he ended up working the match. Rey worked his faggoty little ass off for a while...
-Palumbo knocked Stasiak down off the ring... Stasiak stayed down so he could trip up Rey Mysterio... who then ate a BIG Palumbo Back Suplex.
-BUT... Kwee Wee came out and chaired Stasiak. Stasiak went down. Tygress pinned him while Palumbo pinned Mysterio after a Gourd Buster/Powerbomb... so they were both eliminated. Then Tygress rolled up Palumbo from behind and pinned him.
-Above Average Sanders stepped in, and arrogantly took off his shirt... He wasn't going to sweat Tygress
-Tygress slapped him a few times... then kicked him. She went for something... but he Gorilla slammed her.
-Sanders lifted her up and was about to do something, when Rey Rey dropkicked him from behind. Tygress bent Sanders over powerbomb style, gyrated her hips, then gave him the "X-Factor"... Madden screamed "SKULLBUSTER" two times... which will NOT change the fact that the move is known as the "X-Factor"
-Tygress pinned Sanders. Already, the show annoys me. I LIKE Sanders... he's got a real future ahead of him.
-Then there was Madden, who said, "Do that to me, Mamacita!!" Right... smart... oh yeah, that won't make people think of RAW.. oh no.
-You know.. this Fat simpleton doesn't even realize that he is ADMITTING that he watches the competition... TO THE AUDIENCE, HE IS ADMITTING THAT HE TAPES RAW AND WATCHES IT!!!!! Hey, WCW, your Color Guy... you know, the Guy who you THINK will save the company, he is basically telling people that he gets ALL his ideas from RAW... and, thus, WCW gets all their ideas from RAW... which you guys DO... but that's flagrant!
-Good job. Even Scherer says you look Bush League when he does that... of course, Ryder calls Madden an "imaginative, funny, creative breath of fresh air to the WCW Announce Table"
-HEY MARK!!! I GAVE YOUR MOMMA A "SHITTY TITTY TACO!!!" I TOOK A DUMP ON YOUR MOM'S CHEST... A BIG, MEATY CRAP!!! THEN I SCREWED HER BETWEEN HER SAGGING, FAT BOOBS... IT'S SMEARED THE CRAP, MARK!!! SMEARED IT GOOD!!! LIKE BEAN DIP!!! IT LOOKED LIKE BEAN DIP IN A TACO!!!!!! THEN I SHOT MY LOAD ON TOP!!! A LITTLE PEPPERJACK CHEESE!!!! SHE ATE IT MARK!!! SHE ATE IT ALL UP!!!!
-Backstage, Kevin Nash saw this and started to sob... this is the future of WCW... and he has to live with it for another 15 and a half months
-Goldberg's Locker room was IN THE HOUSE!!!!
-commercials
-Backstage, Nash was giving the NTBs some advice. Jindrak said something about not getting it, much to Palumbo and Sanders chagrin. Nash told him that if he kept up that attitude, Jindrak will be "S.O.L"... (umm... nope... not a clue... not even a funny one.. START OF LINEUP? SELLING OVER LOCO??? Inside joke? Made up joke to F-with the Smart's heads?)
-Nash had a chalkboard and spelled out "You Suck" to the boys... then he left them to bicker over which one of them really did suck... (easy... everyone except for Jindrak, O'Hare, and Sanders... Sanders RULES!!!!!)
-The Announcers get face time... Scott Hudson was BACK!!! THANK GOD!!!!
-Hudson isn't exactly the Bob Costas of Pro Wrestling, but Jesus H... Boreass was a total dipshit
-We go back to Fall Brawl. I flipped to it as it was scrambled... I heard the sentence, "GARY COLEMAN HAS COME OUT!!"... I sighed, congratulated myself for not ordering it.. and moved on.
-Gary Coleman... if he shows up tonight, I'll have plenty to say.
-Backstage, Doug Dillenger knocked on the door. Vince Russo stepped out and assumed the Goldberg walk to the ring. He starts bragging about what he did to Goldberg last night.
-Russo came out and entered the ring... because he so badly wants to be famous... (come on... it's so TRUE... there are a MILLION managers out there who could assume his role)
-Russo said that he took out GB last night... (bet'cha the big Jew made HIM pay for everything!), then he produced a letter from Goldberg that said after getting his ass handed to him last night at Fall Brawl, he decided that he is no longer worthy of working for WCW or for an Icon like Vince Russo.
-Time after time, Goldberg has been given the opportunity to be a... oh F-This... recapping RAW's 9 hour diatribes are more than enough...
-Russo read that the kids should look to Vince Russo for guidance and love... which prompted a shot of two kids seated, bored to tears... oh, wait.. no.. they are HEARTBROKEN THAT THEIR HERO HAS LEFT WCW!!!!!!!!!!
-p.s. Mr. Russo, you are now my GOD!! (Wait... I thought Goldberg doesn't BELIEVE IN... Oh, wait... he does... wrong religion... there are so many of them... it's hard to keep track)
-Which religion is it that thinks Abe Lincoln was one of the three AntiChrists again? I forget.
-Finished with that, Russo brought out Scott Steiner with his big, fat lipped trollup. Hudson said, "Good Night" for the 12th time in the ten minutes Nitro's been on the air.
-Steiner was wearing that Egyptian headdress... Hudson called him the "Queen of the Nile"... well, we know what columns HUDSON'S been reading while he was waiting for his kid to drop... BOOYAAA!!!!
-Say whatever you wish... but I AM BRINGING 411 TO WCW'S ATTENTION!!!!! I THINK I SHOULD GET A RAISE!!!! WRITE TO WIDRO AND DEMAND IT!!!!!
-say, where is Gagnon?
-and where is Chris Williams? Who does columns where he says I'm "too easy a target" and will "bust my balls like nobody else has"... then writes me personal e-mails saying how much he idolizes me? Then he vanishes.
-Steiner got on the mic and said... well... you know...
-"At Fall Brawl... if you didn't knowww... well, now you knowww"
-He bragged about tuning up Goldberg so bad that he turned tail and ran. Fans gave up a chant of "GOLDBERG SUCKS, GOLDBERG SUCKS"... I am SHOCKED that WCW, who usually try to dictate what we feel to the letter... would not try to blank that out.
-Of course, the Announcers REFUSED to believe that Goldberg bailed... where could he go? IS THERE A COMPANY OUT THERE OTHER THAN WCW???? WCW IS THE PLACE TO BE!!! DON'T YOU STUPID MORONS KNOW THIS????
-Steiner said that the only thing left for him is to be world champion... which will go down next week at Nassau Coliseeum? (I spell it however I damn well WANT to spell it!!)
-Russo hopped on the mic and asked Steiner who told HIM he'd get a title shot next week?
-Jeff Jarrett came out to ask the very same question. Jarrett thinks that the fans want... no... NEED another shot at seeing HIM in the main event... forthe99thtime
-Steiner said something that was cut all to Hell... I'm sure it involved some rectal invasion.
-Nash came out to weigh in HIS opinion... something about it's better for the show if HE'S the chasEE and not the chasER... (Who the F*** would buy that?)
-Russo went the diplomatic route and said that there will be a tag team match tonight, and the one who gets the pin will get the shot. Jarrett and Steiner will be partners.
-Both Jarrett and Nash asked Russo who Nash's partner would be. Russo said that since they will be in Long Island New Yawk... and since it has been Russo's lifelong DREAM to be WCW Wawld Champion... (he's 35 years old... WCW has been around for maybe 10 years... WHO IS HE KIDDING??? HIS LIFELONG DREAM HAS BEEN TO BE THE NEXT VINCE MCMAHON!!!).. so HE will be Nash's pawtner.
-I wonder if this will be ANOTHER swervy ending?
-Russo left, leaving the wrestlers dumbfounded (not the BIGGEST stretch for Steiner)
-commercials
-Backstage, the Wrestlers in the NWNO debate the merits of Russo being involved. End result, no one liked it.
-Again I ask... is this one of those "Trump Cards" Russo bragged about throwing down all over the WWF's ass?
-Shane Douglas came to the ring with Torrie... I hear that Scaffold match didn't last 5 minutes... novel idea... never a good execution.
-Douglas ordered his music cut... then said, "hey, you Canadian Jackasses.." (the man has the GIFT!)
-That was sarcasm... by the way.
-Douglas said that he was happy with the result of the Scaffold last night, but Torrie was still unsatisfied... so he challenged ANYONE in the back to step up to the plate for another helping.
-Oh... IS THIS ANOTHER MOMENT WHEN SOMEONE COMES OUT AND DOUGLAS DOES THE OLD "NO, I DIDN'T MEAN YOUUUUU" MOVE??? CAN WE PLEASE FIND SOMETHING NEW TO USE??? PLEASE???? PLEASE???
-Kwee Wee danced out tango-style with Paisley. Douglas was thrilled... (Nitro RULES!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE WCW!!!! RUSSO IS GOD!!!!!!!!)
-Of course... Kwee Wee, being "fruitier than a phalanx of male hairdressers" (sigh... Scaia is such a HOMO)... as well as being totally useless... he enters my realm of wrestlers whom I refuse to cover (oddly enough, 99% of them come from Nitro)... thus, I use my tried and true "IGNORE THE MATCH RECAP!!!"
-Douglas won after Franchising Paisley. Hudson used "GOOD NIGHT" twice more. Next week, I'll keep a running count. Just to see how many times he uses that phrase which really makes NO SENSE AT ALL!!!!!!
-Backstage, Russo is doing push-ups. Nash walks in. Russo has a GREAT plan for tonight. Alas, (or thankfully), we are sent off to some...
-commercials
-before Russo could say anything...
-commercials
-Russo's back to the drawing board (alas... fact does NOT reflect fiction) with a surefire plan to get his ass in the ring next week with the champ. Nash has a better idea, and writes "Bite Me" on the board... ah yes, "Bite Me"... perhaps the ultimate representation of the creative prowess of one Eric Bischoff
-The man tried to get "Bite Me" as an NWO T-shirt... people. THAT'LL get you laid.
-Pamela Pollshock had both Sting and Booker T. Bookie told Stinky that he respects Sting, which is why he gets the title shot tonight (so... Russo had no say in the matter?)... but Booker DEMANDS the same "respek" from Sting tonight.
-Sting told Booker that his Momma was like a doorknob... everyone takes a turn.
-Booker blinked and said, "What'choo say 'bout my momma?"
-Sting told Booker that his Momma is so poor she put a Big Mac on layaway
-Booker told Sting to step off.
-Sting told Booker that his Momma is like a restaurant, she takes her deliveries in the rear!
-They fought.
-Disquo Infernal busted in on Miller's Office with a Duck... he told Miller that it was his new prop (Disco Duck... and old thing that Rick Dees used way back BSCTLAAKA ((Before Stern Came to LA and Kicked Ass))
-Miller told Dinq (HAW) that they will fight... and if DINQ won, he can be Commissioner for a day. If DINQ lost, then Rey and Juvee would be stripped of the tag team titles.
-Of course, there was some more dialogue before the match was made... but ask yourself, "Do I REALLY care to hear it?"
-of course you don't
-commercials. Tommy Lee Jones in "US Marshals" It's a good movie... about how Jones has to track down a drugged out Actor who takes to shooting up H and crawling into the bed of his neighbor's children. Robert Downey Jr guest stars.
-Sting is PISSED... he didn't get to use the line, "Yo Momma be so dumb, after giving birth to you, she looked at the Afterbirth and said, 'Look, Twins!'"
-Booker is PISSED... Sting walks around in WHITE FACE... if you were a proud Brother, you'd be pissed too!
-Ernest Miller comes out.
-Backstage, DISQ is telling the Animals that this won't be a problemo
-In the ring, Miller tells DISQ to get his ass out there, and if the Animals stick their panchos in there, they will be suspended and sent home for 3 months without pay!!
-Dinq comes out... and hits Miller with his duck... that was about all he did...
-Miller rolled up DISQ when he went for a... Bulldog? And hit the pin. The Animales ran out and chased Disqo... DINF ran out into the seats yelling, "IMMIGRATION!!!! HELP ME!!!! RABID MEXAS ON THE LOOSE!!!!" Sorry, but it's Canada. They don't have that big an Immigrant problem... they have a problem with people LEAVING!!!
-Backstage... Nash tells Jarrett and Steiner that he is taking the night off tonight... so Russo needs to find another partner.
-commercials
-Outside, DISQ gets in a car and drives off with the Mexicans hot on his tail.
-Face time for the Announcers... Madden speculates that maybe WCW just signed a BRAND NEW TALENT FROM ANOTHER COMPANY TO SHOCK AND DELIGHT US!!! Then Madden announced that they just signed "the Rattlesnake" (THAT FAT, DESPERATE, LYING BATARD!!!)
-Then Tony quickly stated that they signed one of Jake Robert's old Snakes... (Oh... ok)
-Heh.. wait until I tell Mark how I gave his Momma the "SKULL F***K"... heh
-Video thing with Mike Tenay, who still has the spongiest ass on TV... (you just KNOW that pushing that thing will feel like pushing a half-filled water balloon). Mike went to David Flair's house to interview him. Mike tells Flair that he is all alone... nobody sees the F-ING CAMERA STANDING THREE INCHES AWAY FROM TENAY!!!!!!!
-Inside the House, which is littered with crap and leftover Pizza... David shows that he has snapped and lost his mind. Tenay shows that he still conducts these interviews sloshed on Gin and Tonic.
-David held a cigarette and tried to light it without putting it in his mouth. Tenay says, "David.. you don't SMOKE!!"... what douchebag would light a cigarette by hand? Doesn't a child know that it doesn'[t work before he/she reaches the age of six? JESUS CHRIST... HOW ABOUT A SMIDGE OF REALISM!!! PUT THE F-ING THING IN YOUR MOUTH!!!
-Trust me... NO ONE IS GOING TO TAKE UP SMOKING BECAUSE OF DAVID FLAIR!!! NO ONE!!!
-David attacks the Mailman, asking if he is the Father of the baby... this was after a looooong segment which Tenay weighed the pros and cons as to whether Papa Flair was the father. David put the mailman in the figure four on the front lawn. I used to do that with my neighbor years and years ago... then Julie Tuchapsky, who was my age (and a friggin' C**T) poked her head of of her door and told me to grow up. That was my last outdoor wreslting match... ever.
-In the ring... SMOOTH was suddenly jammed back on the air without a single mention of where he has been these last few weeks (God bless this company)... who said that he KNEW who the father was and had proof. David ran out.. and... and... oh I've had enough.
-Backstage, Jarrett and Steiner told Russo that he had BETTER... BETTER... actually, they were both screaming so loud that I couldn't make heads or tails of this.
-commercials
-Backstage, David Flair attacked a worker who refused to play the tape that would prove who the father is.
-Backstage, Mike Sanders was talking to Terry Taylor, who seemed only mildly interested this bit. Then Sanders went to Russo. Russo gave sanders a cassette tape to give to Kronik. Sanders was happy to oblige. I doubt this show would improve if I gave it my FULL attention
-They have an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with Stacey Keibler on Thunder... just like I said... just like I KNEW... Ryder is running a gag where HE could be the Father. Funny thing about Bob... you just KNOW he has a small penis... you can tell.
-Sting came out
-Booker came out.
-This should be quick, seeing how Sting ends up working twice tonight well, he ends up PRETENDING to work tonight.
-They lock up. At first, it's a process that insiders call, "Feeling each other out"...
-Then Booker feels Sting out enough to drop an AXE KICK!!!!!!! (See, if he DIDN'T feel Sting out, he would have NEVER tried that move!)
-Quick pin by Booker... Sting raised his arm.
-Booker went for a suplex... Sting jumped out of it and tried for the Deathdrop... Booker rolled out and went for the Bookend... Sting moved away and dropped down with Booker for an... an... my God...an ARM BAR!!!!!!!!
-Booker grabbed the ropes... Sting hit the Splash
-Sting with the Deathlock... Jarrett ran out... DQ. Steiner ran out... The Faces got tuned on.
-If this match went 3 minutes... a match that's been promoted on the Net since LAST TUESDAY, mind you... it will be a miracle.
-Backstage, Sanders found Brian Clark and gave him the cassette tape. Thank Jagar, Clark had a walkman on, (because if he DIDN'T have on phones, of course, the fans would wonder just how the HELL he would EVER be able to hear the tape!!! Because we are STOOPID)
-commercials
-Jimmy Hart tells David Flair that Smooth has a VCR in his limo... David thanks Jimmy by hitting him with a Crowbar. OOo, Hulk Hogan's gonna KICK HIS ASS!!!!
-Miller smelled pot, so he knew Kronik was around. Kronik said that Russo did something on the tape that ticked them off and DEMANDED a match with him. Miller said that wasn't going to happen, but he WILL let them job out to Steiner and Jarrett tonight
-Tony freaked about how RUSSO OUTSMARTED JARRETT AND STEINER BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!!!! Then he wondered when Russo will get around to cracking that Cold Fusion equation.
-Lance Storm came out... the Announcers paid little notice. I am noticing that the Hardcore belt and the... no, just the Hardcore belt has suddenly vanished.
-Storm said that Fall Brawl was a good night for Canada... all the titles were defended... Major Gunns was still bobbing on his Maple Leaf... and an old Goat finally wised up...
-With that, he brought out a former "Toronto Arganaut"... Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
-Jim Duggan came out... clean shaven and with a haircut. All decked out in Canadian colors and waving the flag. Oh, he's got some explaining to do to the MILL...*cough*... THOU... *ahem*... DOZ... *hmmph... 5 RETARDS THAT WORSHIPPED HIM!!! HOOOOOOOOO
-Duggan makes Gunns hold his Flag... "Hold this, Woman!" HOOOOOOOOOOOO
-Jim says it's great to be on a team that appreciates his ability and dedication. HOOOOOOOOO
-Jim fought for that "other country"... and the fans treated him like a joke HOOOOOOOO
-Because you ARE a joke... Nitwit HOOOOOOOOOO
-The Fans treated him like Garbage!! HOOOOOOOOOOO
-Bitch, you never put two minutes of effort into your matches... HOOOOOOOOO
-When Goldberg beat him up some... and he was all bloody... and beaten... and his Wife was yelling in his ear... and his Children were crying... (Oy... name me ONE husband who DOESN'T think about running to Canada whenever the Wifey gets to yelling in his ear... yelling... nagging... demanding... bitching... whining... pissing... oh it's enough to want to TAKE HER BY THE THROAT AND CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF HER SCREAMING WILL YOU SHUT UP FOR TWO GODDAM SECONDS AND LET ME HAVE A GODDAM MINUTE OF PEACE YOU STUPID NAGGING ANNOYING LITTLE BITCH... ARRRRRRGH!! HOOOOOOOO)...
-and all he heard from the fans was "GOLDBERG, GOLDBERG!!"
-So, he is NO longer Mr. Nice Guy. He is No Longer Mr. USA... from here on out... he is in it for ONE guy... Hacksaw Jim Duggan... HOOOOOOOOOOO
-Duggan asked us to rise and respect the playing of the Canadian National Anthem
-Instead... The MIA ran out and went to work... it was a 6 type thing. (I know you want what's on my mind... I know you like what's on my mind... I know it eats you up inside.. I know you know, you know, you know...)
-Use your heads... Team Canuck ain't gonna drop shit in the homeland... and Duggan has to show off his new heelitude to the Nitro audience.
-It boiled down to Hugh Morrus tearfully demanding that Duggan get in there... why, if Duggan didn't act like the same exact douchebag he acted as when he waved Old Glory... this might have been an emotional moment.
-Duggan hit Rection with his 2 x 4 (shouldn't that be an 8) and won the match... THEN he hit his leg with it... with a chair on top of it.
-Okay... Duggan's dopey Heel... that's a negative
-BUT... after 15 years of the same friggin' thing... Russo spiced things up and gave the guy a legit STORYLINE!!! HE DEVELOPED THE SONAFABITCH!!! HE GAVE HIM SOMETHING NEW TO DIG HIS TEETH IN!!!!!! HEY, F-NUTS... THAT IS A GOOD THING!!!
-Duggan hasn't put forth this much effort in his work (which isn't saying that he rocked the house) in YEARS... JESUS CHRIST, THE GUY IS WORKING IT AND LOOKS TO BE HAVING A BALL WITH THIS OPPORTUNITY! STOP BELLYACHING!!
-No, I am not talking to anyone specifically... just in general to the people who blast WCW for everything.
-Russo did well. Good job. Screw you all...
-Of course... Madden cranked the obnoxiousness up a notch...soooo
-HEY MARKY FAT MARK!!! WANNA KNOW WHY YOU MOMMA IS SUDDENLY CROSSEYED ALL OF THE SUDDEN??? IT'S BECAUSE I SCOOPED OUT THE BITCH'S EYE WITH A SPOON... A RUSTY SPOON, AND BALLED THE SOCKET!!! THE BLOODY, SLIMY, PUS FILLED SOCKET!!! I SKULLF-ED YOUR MOMMA MADDEN!!! I FOUND A NEW HOLE TO HUMP!!! SHE LOVED IT!!!!
-Backstage, Steiner and Jarrett bitched at Russo about fighting Kronik.
-commercials
-Outside, the 70's Bus pulled in. Mike Awesome and Gary Coleman stepped out. Coleman accused Awesome of setting him up with Jarrett last night and left. Awesome was like, "Oh, I didn't set you up maaaan".
-Am I crazy or is Bob Ryder bragging about setting Coleman up with WCW?
-Am I crazy or is Ryder treating Coleman like he was a major star and this is a HUGE deal?
-Excuse me... but didn't Gary Coleman work as a SECURITY GUARD on a Hollywood LOT a few years ago?
-Pardon moi, but is Gary Coleman like... the most BITTER Child Star alive today??? His inner rage actually DEFINES him now...
-I'd say more but... well... UGO: Proud Sponsor of 411... I doubt they know I exist and I'd just as soon keep it that way.
-Oh, and Vampiro and ICP were seen heading towards Awesome's bus... Good, No, To Up, Are, They
-Kronik came out, ready to rock with Jarrett and Steiner.
-Nash came out with the NTB. He said that Kronik ain't in Steiner and Jarrett's league
-BUT... Nash has this bunch of Young Lions who are just ACHING for a little rub... so he told them to pick two volunteers and go out there to kick some Brian ASS!!!
-Mike Sanders and Johnny Da Bull ran out....
-Mike Sanders and JDB were tossed out. Kronik invited more Thrillers out to jam.
-It became a gauntlet
-I like that sign that said, "I AM BAKED"
-Jindrak and O'Hare started to come down... but Jarrett and Steiner snuck up from behind and blasted them. They caught the easy pin.
-Russo was staring at a door... a YELLOW door... Wow... he's going to ask the Jung Dragons if they were ready for a main event match? Risky!
-commercials
-Backstage, 3 Count locates Mike Awesome and tell him to check out his Bus... he did. It was covered in Graffitti. ICP graffitti. I would have MARKED if Awesome yelled, "THAT F-ING MIDGET!!!!!"
-This is a message to ICP fans... Hey Douchebags, Your heroes wrote the words, "MIKE MEDIOCRE" on the Bus. How COOL can two clowns be when the best they can do is "MIKE MEDIOCRE"????? YOU WORSHIP RONALD MCDONALD WANNABES!!!
-Backstage, Sting was PRAYING!!! Russo came in and asked Sting to be his partner tonight. Sting told him to take off.
-Russo, "You know what, maybe it's right about what they are saying about you? Maybe you DON'T have any heart any more?"
-AND WHO SAID THAT???? WHICH COLUMNIST FINALLY GREW THE BALLS TO SAY THAT???? WHICH COLUMNIST WROTE AN ESSAY ABOUT THAT VERY SUBJECT THAT STILL GETS A CRAPLOAD OF E-MAIL????? ME!! CHRIS F-ING HYATTE!!!! THE LOSER!!! THE ONE NOBODY READS!!!! THE ONE EVERYONE SAID "LOST IT"... GUESS WHAT JIZZDICKS!!! GUESS WHAT, SCUMWADS!!! I AM INFLUENTIAL!!! PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION!!! F-YOU, BLOW ME, EAT ME, THEN DIE DIE DIEDIE DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
-GOD BLESS VINCE F-ING RUSSO!!! NITRO RULES THE PLANET!!!!!!!
-Of course, Sting took umbrage with what Russo said.. but the ploy worked, because he agreed to the partnership!
-Mike Awesome put Vampiro threw a table and won his match. Meanwhile, Tony said that next week, WCW will have a "Ms. Nitro" ON Nitro... and members of Howard Stern's "Whack pack" will be the judges. OO, you are in for a treat if Beetlejuice is there.
-Hmm... if they are in New York... why isn't Opie and Anthony judging??? I thought they OWNED New York now? I thought they were the NEW Kings???
-Why is Awesome's hair permed? Oh, nevermind... Gimmick. Sucky gimmick...
-It was a good match too... Awesome put Vamp through a table... Powerbombed the prick... Awesome has the skills to be GREAT... but... come on... that damn gimmick.
-Russo was prepping for his big match, when Booker confronted him and just stared at him mad dog style... Russo held out his hands and slowly backed away. Me? I threw my wallet, Car keys, and the rights to my first three children at my TV screen and dove out the window.
-commercials
-David saw the video and knew the score. He was not that happy. (Oh My... I just had a flash... what if... they wouldn't... they couldn't... ohmanohmanohman... they are going to make Madden the father. I know it, I know it, I know it.
-Steiner came out with his Fluff
-Jarrett came out
-Sting came out
-Booker T came out instead of Russo!!! Booker will be fighting!!!
-Tony DEMANDED that we all "hold the phone!!!!" The ENTIRE audience turned to him... all four WRESTLERS AND THE REFEREE stopped and looked at him!!!
-Tony deduced that if Booker wins this match right now... he will have a title shot next week against.... HIMSELF!!!!!!!
-All four wrestlers gawped at him... finally, Jarrett opened his mouth and said, "You are SUCH an asshole"
-Then they resumed.
-Sting and Steiner fought on the broadcast table while Jarrett and whatisface jammed in the inside.
-Hudson on Sting's intensity... "VINCE RUSSO SAID HE HAD NO HEART!!" (NOOO... *I* said he had no heart!!!! Russo was just following MY lead!!! I am Hyatte... I AM WCW!!!!)
-Hey WCW... show a little luv... send me a "Last Call for Hall" t-shirt! Chris Hyatte, 2410 Mendon Road, Cumberland, RI 02864. XL. I won't even brag about it if you ask me not to.
-I think somewhere in here, Madden said something about how Tony and Hudson are skilled at "wrestling with themselves" as they discussed the ramifications of Booker winning the match. I'm curious... does ANYONE reading think Mark gets laid?
-and before you say that Madden is somewhat famous... remember... Chris Farley was a HUGE star... and the best he did was Hookers.
-It was all Faces... Steiner's bag tried to intervene, but Ms Jones came out and stopped her. Ms. Jones now acts like the crowd is behind her every move.
-Hudson said "Good Night"... again.
-Finally, the Heels get some control.
-There comes a time when reasonable people would say, "Okay, so Booker is there instead of Russo... we'll figure out why later", and call the match. This is WCW... Reason is about as rare as sparking a 4.0 rating point.
-result... they kept asking where the F**K Russo was until the damn credits rolled.
-Jarrett put Booker in a Sleeper. Jeeze, he could have made it easy on himself and just shown Booker the last hour & 50 minutes on the Nitro-Tron. Booker would be snoring like a baby!
-Sting was tagged in. The Faces cleaned house.
-Kronik came out and beat on Jarrett, who was outside. Sting sat back and watched them.
-Steiner put Booker in the Recliner
-Russo stumbled out with a torn shirt and a baseball bat.
-Steiner cornered Russo and punched him.
-Booker came up from behind and bashed Steiner in the back. Canada booed. Heh... and they call AMERICA racist.
-Booker took Vince Russo and covered Steiner with him. Russo won. Russo gets his title match next week.
-Booker stood over Russo and said, "See you next week!" He MAY have added "suckaaa".
-The show ended.
Ah... it wasn't bad. Not excellent... just.... Nitro
RAW cooked. RAW would win but...
"You know what, maybe it's right about what they are saying about you? Maybe you DON'T have any heart any more?"
YEAH BABY!!! RUSSO'S READING!!! NITRO RULES!!!!!!!!
Nitro wins... deal with it.
Closer time
Okay, let’s try this again…
Back at STc, I ran a little game. Nothing very innovative, just some re-worded songs that you had to figure out. I tried to make them as easy as possible… and you guys blew it. Apparently, you are all very stupid.
So… I’m gonna give you a chance to redeem yourselves… the following is a list of movies that I’ve re-worded. The challenge to YOU is to identify all of them.
For example: “Fatal Tool Used to Inflict Pain” = “Lethal Weapon”
Okay?
Good. Now, all the movies are VERY well known, but, like the above example,the
re-worded titles do not necessarily match up word for word with the original title.
Also, some of the orginal movies that are one word will be re-worded as two or more
(ex: “The Godfather” would be re-worded as “Sire of the Highest Religious Being”).
We clear on this?
Good. Now, the winner or winners of the game get… well… not much. I ain’t paying money for this bullshit… the notion that I am giving you something to do for once in your miserable lives should be enough… but just to give you SOME sort of enticement… the winner will get to be God in my column. For instance, the sole winner of the first song challenge, guy named Dale Glaser, got a column where I put his name everywhere where “God” or “Christ” would come in (“Goddammit”, “For Chrissakes”… “Jesus H”.. etc etc)… so, if you ever wanted to be God for a week… this is your best chance.
Everybody cool? You all got it? Okay then… let’s play:
NAME THAT MOVIE:
1: Courageous Cardiovascular Organ
2: Many Massive Battles Between Celebrities
3: Spanish Version of White House
4: One Subtracted From Eight
5: A Trio of Male Rulers on the Throne
6: Those Who Marauded the Missing Biblical Ocean Vessel
7: Invented Stories Based on the Remains of Mashed Fruit Tissue
8: Virus Caught on the Last Evening of the Calendar Week
9: Visage with a Pockmark
10: Prepared for Fonzi's Idea of a Fight
11: Warmth
12: Body Movement to Music in Need of a Wash.
13: Male Corpse on a Casual Stroll.
14: Highest Card in the Deck that Shares the Same Last Name with a Certain Governor Who Investigates Matters Concerning Domesticated Animals.
15: Lacking Any Sort of Hint
16: Conceived Within the Confines of Our Nation's Official Day of Independance Celebration
17: The Undertaking That Deals with Lisa Welch's character from the "Facts of Life" being a Truly Evil Girl.
18: Exiting the City of Sin
19: The Jealous Four Times Around a Standard Racetrack
20: Holler
Okay… there you go. These flicks are not that hard… just use your noggin
Oh, and of course, I reserve the right to disqualify ANYONE who may get all the answers simply because I don’t like them and refuse to mention their names.
Y'know... I have the wierdest sense of deja vu... have I done this game before? I mean, using movies before?
Am I RIPPING OFF MYSELF?? MY GOD!!
Or, am I just ripping off every bad "whacky" radio DJ you thinks they actually created something?
By the way, that drunk show Howard Stern ran two Fridays ago was hands down the funniest thing I've ever heard on radio in my life.
Oh who cares... SUCK ME.
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